where am i? what is happening?
A rant about making new theatre and being in your 20’s (or a bitter cycle of joy and inadequacy). ‘Too Many Peasants’, directing, and interning.
me fr…
In a recent conversation with my dear friend and collaborator Tommy, I opened up about how frustrating it is to see my potential and see that I do not have the tools I need to fulfill it. I have so many ideas I want to execute but I am severely struggling with the “how” of it all. I want more training. I want to work and learn and experience; but classes cost money that I simply do not have. Despite the education I do have and my aptitude for leadership and performance, I feel like I am lacking purely because I am not actively “doing” or “learning”. The skill of emboldening myself to make art, regardless of the many limitations that inhibit me, is a skill that I’m unfortunately just now exercising regularly. I want to do so much and create so much but I am so busy, and tired, and simply overwhelmed with the world. I judge myself harshly, more than I should and condemn myself often to a point of idleness. However, I know I am not alone or isolated in this; I give myself grace, take a breath, and refocus on what I can do. In truth, I am doing a lot. Simultaneously, I’m filled with joy over the outpouring of opportunities I have received (like my internship woohoo!) and the art I am actively creating (like too many peasants!). My world is expanding and I am making art. I am building my toolkit with the resources I have and applying them in way I could never have expected. I am constantly teetering between joy and inadequacy, but at least I’m moving.
“Too Many Peasants” collage made by me:)
Something I am endlessly proud of is Boy King. My little theatre collective is the perfect excuse for making art without waiting for permission. Together we learn, create, fail, and succeed. Making a new show might be one of the most intimidating things I have ever done but I am so insanely proud of myself for doing it. The best part is that I am not doing it alone. For them, I push past my insecurities, past my fear and uncertainty, and past my fatigue. Too Many Peasants is a new-ish experience for all of us, and all of us want to create the best show possible. As we move into workshopping, we have discovered that wearing multiple hats is possible and necessary. I have discovered that I miss performing and I love producing work that I am passionate about. Most importantly, we are always reminded that there are people who are rooting for us and our success. I think of what I was often told before an audition or interview, “the folks behind the table are rooting for you, they want you to be exactly what they are looking for”. People want to see the work we do and we want to give them the best experience possible; I keep that in mind as we workshop our show.
any mr. pibb fans out there?
I took a break from teaching, to focus on directing, TMP, and my internship. Was it the best choice financially? No. Am I making do? Yes, and for now that is enough for me. I love teaching and my heart is heavy with this choice that did not come lightly. I know that it is the right choice for me right now though. At my internship, I feel like a sponge. Being at a theatre that functions as an institution is so daunting. I feel like a wide-eyed baby but for once, I feel like I am in the right place at the right time. I feel useful and smart when I am there, which is embarrassing to admit. I am surrounded by people who work hard and want to do art and feel the same way I do despite their ages, job titles, and art practices. I am inspired when I am there to do more, be better, and spend my time outside of work creating. While I know my time their will end in May, I feel like I finally know what a dream job looks like for me. I am tired, so tired. Literally, I have rehearsal or work every night of this month (with the exception of the week of Christmas). BUT, I am happy and proud of myself and ready to do the work.
Thanks for listening…I kinda just needed to rant for a sec tbh.